OSAMA AKPUNONU: Women are my biggest problem

 

By Tony Ogaga Erhariefe

Are you a Nigerian youth? Do you have a sense of humour? Can you make people crack up with laughter? If the above de-scription fts you snugly then it’s time to step out of the closet and make some cool cash!Rib cracker, Osama Akpunonu (Cyril Ehizele Ugege), has declared that comedy is one hell of a money spinner as far as making money in Nigeria is concerned.

The act confessed to The Entertainer at the Transorp Hilton, Abuja, during Julius Agwu’s annual Crack Ya Ribs comedy show stating that ever since he hit the limelight, he has been smiling to the bank.On the fip side, the bearded comedian also dis-closed that success did not happen overnight as he had to pay his dues doing free shows and begging to perform and what was more, his dad did all within his capacity to discourage him including locking him out of the family home and denying him dinner. Osama says that during those trying moments, one woman who stood by him was his mum and he is forever grateful to her for sharing and believing in his dream.

Making serious money

“I’m making money; I mean serious money from comedy,” Osama begins as a smile plays around his lips, “there’s no need to deceive myself or lie to readers and my fans; I’m making a lot of money from comedy. I just came back from the UK after a very successful tour and a week before that I was in Ghana. I was performing at various events and getting paid! Aside traveling out twice a year for comedy engage-ments, I’m also booked back to back in Nigeria,” the comedian/OAP adds with emphasis to drive home his point.

Pursuing the dream

Though he’s always known he had an infectious sense of humour, the frst child in a family of six reveals that being a comedian was not his dream because he had always dreamed of being an actor.

However, comedy found him and when he got admission to study Theatre Arts at the University of Jos, Nigeria. In a bid to make ends meet, he had resorted to his innate abilities. But limelight and success were still a long way off. A year later in 2004, he met Julius Agwu, just before the second edition of Crack Ya Ribs then in its second edition.“Until Julius Agwu came along seven years ago, I was an unknown act.

But after I performed at the second edition of Crack Ya Ribs in 2005, my life underwent a radi-cal transformation.“It’s wonderful because before my friend, Senator, introduced me to Julius, it was tough and rough. When I met Julius I came to understand that God will not come down from heaven to help you but will use people like Julius to bless you. My career took a new dimension after I met him. I have been through a lot and I won’t talk without men-tioning his name; he’s my mentor.“I came into comedy professionally when I got admission to study Theatre Arts at the University of Jos.

My challenges were my parents especially my dad but thank God he is the one giving me materials for cracking jokes now because he has seen the magic of comedy and how it has transformed his son. “I’m from a poor background so I had to strive to become something in life. My dad was my biggest challenge. He never believed in comedy but my mum was very supportive. My mum discovered my talent in the church. I was engaged in a lot of activities in the youth section. “I was involved with the choir and drama groups so she was following me closely but she never knew it was going to be this big,” Osama added.

Punished

Osama says there were lots of times his dad instructed his mum not to serve him dinner because he learnt that he had gone off to perform at a show with his friends. Recalling those early years Osama says: “Sometimes I’d be locked outside and my mum would plead and plead and eventually when dad succumbed and allowed me in, there’d be no dinner for me so I went to bed with an empty stomach. I realized I had to devise a means of survival. What I did was that where ever I went to perform, I made sure the organizers gave me something to eat before coming home.“My dad was really angry that I was bearing Osama.

He was like ‘even if you must do comedy, can’t you bear a positive name? Why choose Osama? How about Bill Clinton? If you must bear a foreign name bear a positive one!’”The rib-cracker reveals that after years of begging to perform free at shows, he fnally got his frst break when he was paid the sum of N200.“That was a defning moment for me,” the bearded comedian continues laughing, “I wasn’t really paid for that show. In fact, the organizer just gave it to me for transport but I was deeply encouraged. I spent the money for over a week on campus.”

Turning point

However, in 2010, his dad had no choice but to fall in love with his son’s chosen career and fnally give his blessings after comedy took the rib cracker to the UK on the platform of Julius Agwu’s Crack Ya Ribs.Relating the experience, Osama goes down memory lane: “My dad fnally came around when Julius took me to London in 2010 to perform at that year’s edition of Crack Ya Ribs in London. I was so excited I called dad as soon as I got to London. Since it was a foreign number he refused to pick the call because he believed it was probably scammers so I had to send him a text mes-sage that this was his son, Osama, calling from London.

“He has always called me Cyril despite the popularity of the name Osama. After sending the text I called him up again and this time he picked, and for the frst time in our relationship he called me Osama. I was so happy my dad had accepted me I almost jumped out of my skin! He said, ‘Osama, how na? Na you de call me from yonder? God will bless you. Don’t worry, before you return I will get some very good joke ideas for you,” Osama says laughing uncontrolla-bly as tears of joy role down his cheeks.

Women and romance

With a successful career and good looks, one would expect that Osama would be in a relationship but he is not! Osama says that the reason he’s not in a relationship is because he doesn’t trust women.“It’s a big problem I am facing now be-cause I have not been able to settle down,” laments Osama, “every woman that comes around you when you are successful comes for one thing or the other.  But I’m trying to calm down now. That’s the reason I don’t have a girlfriend. That’s the fact; but I am going to get one soon.”Are you a female having a crush on Osama? Do you have what it takes to stand by your man? Are you beautiful and intelli-gent? You just might have a chance to hook up with the rib cracker for real. Osama says his ideal woman is ‘that woman that would always be there for me, stand by me, and console me when I’m not happy. I’m talking about a woman that would be there when I am performing and when I go off the stage she could say to me, ‘baby you didn’t do well today. Why didn’t you crack that joke you cracked yesterday.’ I am talking about a woman that would have my back.”

How about physical looks?

A look of mock shock descends on his face as he says: “You hardly see a come-dian with ugly women; we don’t date ugly women because we open our eyes when we pray. Let me tell you something, most pas-tors that are married to ugly women today got married to them because they closed their eyes while talking to God. By the time they opened their eyes, all the beautiful ushers had passed by so it was only the ugly ones they saw and settled for thinking the ugly girl was God’s choice for them,” he jokes amid more laughter.

What’s the craziest thing a female fan ever did to you?

He pauses for a moment before he re-sponds, a mischievous grin playing around his lips: “That was the day a female fan touched my down below at a show! I guess it was out of excitement. She just rushed at me and embraced me and before I knew it, she grabbed me down there shouting ‘Osama, Osama, I love you!“I do get a lot of crazy texts but once I notice a pattern I switch off my phones. We have to apply wisdom when it comes to women issues. There’s one thing our dad told us his sons while we were growing up. According to him, in life, there are two things that bring down a man, women and drink and people fall prey easily.”

Advice

Are you a young man out there trying to eke out a living while pursuing your dreams? Do you really want to achieve your goals? Osama has a word of advice for you.“When you hang out and drink it could be dangerous. When you add women to it, it could kill you physically and spiritually. That’s what I tell people all the time and I wish they would listen to me. You don’t lose anything when you hustle. You lose money when you chase women but you don’t lose women when you’re chasing money; they’ll always be there.”

Role models

With nine years of comedy behind him, who are his role models?“They are just four; Julius Agwu, I Go Dye, Gandoki and Basket mouth. Alibaba is the super role model for all comedians. That we make money from comedy today is because Alibaba set new standards and revolutionalised the comedy sector of entertainment. He transformed the fnancial aspect of comedy in Nigeria forever. May God bless his soul.”

Happiest moment

After nine years of comedy, what would he say is his happiest moment?He smiles as he responds: “That’s the day Julius took me to London in 2010. After that my career just blew.”